It's Unconditional

Let me ask you this, when was the last time your child made a huge "boo-boo," a big "uh-oh," or just a disappointing mistake? Go back to that moment when you found out, how did you react? In that moment did you think, "I'll still love you no matter what", or did you thoughts go towards, "I just can't take it!"

It's guaranteed, our children will make mistakes. LOTS of them. My poor parents, I made some mistakes growing up, but they somehow instilled in me this feeling that no matter what I did, they would always be there for me to help me and LOVE me. Their love was unconditional. 

Knowing that we all make mistakes as children, would it have been better for our parents to have us scared of making mistakes because of the terrifying SPANK or would it have been better knowing that after we make the mistakes, we could fix it, be forgiven but mostly, we could still be loved?

In "Successful Marriages and Families" it says, "children are less aggressive and more sociable and empathetic if they have parents (particularly fathers) who are more loving, patient, playful, responsive, and sympathetic to children's feelings and needs." They really just need us there, despite whatever circumstance, to love them no matter what.

Children go through so many changes in the beginning of their little lives. My son is going from crawling to walking. What a terrifying thing, standing on two feet! He's confused about what toys he can play with and what "toys" are mommy and daddy's. He falls, rips, poops, screams, cries, laughs, and smiles all within one day. They're confused! They're trying to make sense of this huge world, and mistakes are something that come with learning. What would learning be if it weren't for mistakes?

By the way, here's the little man, just turned 11 months!

Children should come with a big stamp on their tiny bums that says, "I will make mistakes, but you will love me anyways," just to forewarn us new moms about the adventure we're in.

My children will make mistakes, no matter how perfect I try to be, they will. It's inevitable. I want them more than anything to know that I will ALWAYS love them despite of the the problems that they're going to face. When they come home from school and say they cheated, I will set limits, cheating is definitely not appropriate, and then appropriate consequences will take place. Mostly though, I'm going to commend them on their honesty to me and talk about how proud I am of them for having the courage to tell the truth. Their mom is proud of them ALWAYS -- even though we may not be proud of the behavior. Big difference.

Understanding/Respecting Children's Emotions

Our children need us to understand and respect the feelings they're going through. If our child comes home sad that their day at school was so bad. It's our job to think about how much it stinks if we have a bad day at work. A bad work day sucks! For our children, their school days are equivalent to our work days.

Getting into a child's point of view is the best way to respect their feelings and really understand them. It may take some work but DO IT. You will be able to relate to your child in ways that you never thought we possible. Their feelings are valid, we just need to let them know that.

When I was a kid, I was scared of silly things. I look bad now and I know that vampires, aliens, monsters, you name it, were silly things to be scared of. Although, if I look back to how I felt as a child, I was terrified of these VERY REAL things. My imagination was on the loose and I was scared. My parents were great at trying to respect my views with the usual response was, "They're not real, sweetie." Instead of that, every now and then it would've been nice to hear, "I know aliens can seem scary, but I promise you're safe here," just so I wouldn't have thought I was crazy to be scared of those things.

Our children need us to respect their feelings and especially show them that it's okay to feel a certain way. They are always watching us and our emotions are going to show them what's okay to feel and how to handle it. They love us unconditionally and all they ask for is to be loved in the same way, unconditionally.

Just remember that, "a mother's attentive love in this new relationship becomes the foundation by which all of the other tasks of mothering become effective." (Hawkins et. al, 2012) Our love for them is just the beginning of parenting and such a crucial foundation for our children.

Source: Unconditional Parenting -- Alfie Kohn

              Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives
              (Chapter 11)