It's Unconditional

Let me ask you this, when was the last time your child made a huge "boo-boo," a big "uh-oh," or just a disappointing mistake? Go back to that moment when you found out, how did you react? In that moment did you think, "I'll still love you no matter what", or did you thoughts go towards, "I just can't take it!"

It's guaranteed, our children will make mistakes. LOTS of them. My poor parents, I made some mistakes growing up, but they somehow instilled in me this feeling that no matter what I did, they would always be there for me to help me and LOVE me. Their love was unconditional. 

Knowing that we all make mistakes as children, would it have been better for our parents to have us scared of making mistakes because of the terrifying SPANK or would it have been better knowing that after we make the mistakes, we could fix it, be forgiven but mostly, we could still be loved?

In "Successful Marriages and Families" it says, "children are less aggressive and more sociable and empathetic if they have parents (particularly fathers) who are more loving, patient, playful, responsive, and sympathetic to children's feelings and needs." They really just need us there, despite whatever circumstance, to love them no matter what.

Children go through so many changes in the beginning of their little lives. My son is going from crawling to walking. What a terrifying thing, standing on two feet! He's confused about what toys he can play with and what "toys" are mommy and daddy's. He falls, rips, poops, screams, cries, laughs, and smiles all within one day. They're confused! They're trying to make sense of this huge world, and mistakes are something that come with learning. What would learning be if it weren't for mistakes?

By the way, here's the little man, just turned 11 months!

Children should come with a big stamp on their tiny bums that says, "I will make mistakes, but you will love me anyways," just to forewarn us new moms about the adventure we're in.

My children will make mistakes, no matter how perfect I try to be, they will. It's inevitable. I want them more than anything to know that I will ALWAYS love them despite of the the problems that they're going to face. When they come home from school and say they cheated, I will set limits, cheating is definitely not appropriate, and then appropriate consequences will take place. Mostly though, I'm going to commend them on their honesty to me and talk about how proud I am of them for having the courage to tell the truth. Their mom is proud of them ALWAYS -- even though we may not be proud of the behavior. Big difference.

Understanding/Respecting Children's Emotions

Our children need us to understand and respect the feelings they're going through. If our child comes home sad that their day at school was so bad. It's our job to think about how much it stinks if we have a bad day at work. A bad work day sucks! For our children, their school days are equivalent to our work days.

Getting into a child's point of view is the best way to respect their feelings and really understand them. It may take some work but DO IT. You will be able to relate to your child in ways that you never thought we possible. Their feelings are valid, we just need to let them know that.

When I was a kid, I was scared of silly things. I look bad now and I know that vampires, aliens, monsters, you name it, were silly things to be scared of. Although, if I look back to how I felt as a child, I was terrified of these VERY REAL things. My imagination was on the loose and I was scared. My parents were great at trying to respect my views with the usual response was, "They're not real, sweetie." Instead of that, every now and then it would've been nice to hear, "I know aliens can seem scary, but I promise you're safe here," just so I wouldn't have thought I was crazy to be scared of those things.

Our children need us to respect their feelings and especially show them that it's okay to feel a certain way. They are always watching us and our emotions are going to show them what's okay to feel and how to handle it. They love us unconditionally and all they ask for is to be loved in the same way, unconditionally.

Just remember that, "a mother's attentive love in this new relationship becomes the foundation by which all of the other tasks of mothering become effective." (Hawkins et. al, 2012) Our love for them is just the beginning of parenting and such a crucial foundation for our children.

Source: Unconditional Parenting -- Alfie Kohn

              Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives
              (Chapter 11)

Beauty of an Equal Partnership

Tradition brings us back to the idea of a mother being the only one to cook, clean, feed, and so much more every day. It was typical for a man to go to work, come home, eat, sleep, and then do it all again. There were such extreme differences in the roles of men and women. Today, the LDS church does believe that those roles still hold an important value to a family but we also believe in marriage as an "equal partnership."

The word "equal" doesn't necessarily mean what the world thinks it to mean. I love what this book says,

"Equality is all too often used to mean "identity"; that is, that two equal things must be identical to each other." (PG. 38)

Equality doesn't mean that two things have to be identical -- especially people. We are born different. Each of us, having different talents and capabilities, are born to be something special. Unique. It's a gift from God to be able to be a man or a woman. The proclamation states that gender is:

"an essential characteristic of individual premortal, and eternal identity and purpose."

We are not equal people because we were created to be different. Man and woman have divine differences and it is that way on purpose. We each bring something special to our families and to the world. God sees this and is aware of the power that our divine role can have on our families. So yes we are different, divinely different. We've been different from the first moment that we have ever existed.

Even though we are different, we have the ability to have that "equal partnership" that this book is talking about.

An equal partnership could mean that a couple wants to discuss things together, making decisions together. Their communication is taken equally, the husband valuing his wife's opinion and the wife valuing her husband's opinions. How great could a marriage be if opinions and ideas were all looked upon with respect and understanding, taking each other into consideration in all things?

An equal partnership could mean sharing some roles. A wife could provide for a family while her husband is looking for a job. A husband could cook dinner when his wife seems tired or overwhelmed. There are so many ways for a husband and wife to be equal in their roles, sharing them at times, to help each other and their family.

An equal partnership could mean that support is happening on both sides of a marriage. Support as in, when a wife would want to go back and get her degree, her husband sees that as a great idea and they work together to make it happen. Support when a husband wants to change careers and a wife knows that it will take hardships, but she supports him anyway. Support needs to be used for each other in parenting styles. When a husband or wife says no to a certain behavior, they need to support each other and talk about what they think is best.

The key here is having a husband value his wife as equal, and the same thing for a wife. A wife needs to value her husband as an equal, supporting him in all things. These are just a few ways to have an equal partnership. These things can help a couple, and especially help the children that are around their parents every day.

"Couples who have unequal partnerships have more stressful marriages and are less effective parents, it is not surprising that children who grow up in homes where the parents have an unequal relationship are at higher risk for depression, anxiety, drug abuse, delinquency" (PG. 43)

Equal partnerships can bless a marriage and especially bless the children in that family. Children are always watching us, observing and learning. They learn what's right and wrong from the things that we do. I know that in my marriage, as I strive to be an equal partner with my husband, I want my children to learn that they can become equal partners with their spouses someday too.

What a blessing it is to have the knowledge we do, blessing our families and marriages for eternity.



Source: "Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives" - BYU Studies and School of Family Life - (Chapter 4)

A Marriage Love Map

A Love Map? 

John Gottman did it again. Yet another book full of awesome ideas -- this time marriage. Marriage is where it all begins; A happy home full of children starts with the parents. The parents always need to work on their relationship. Marriage is a beautiful thing but it takes some work. It's important to remember this when times get busy and rough.

In John Gottman's book, "The seven principles for making marriage work," Gottman talks about having a love map with your spouse. He gave an example of one couple in particular. The husband was a doctor, working all day and sometimes all night. He didn't know the name of the family pet or the friends of the kids. Yes, he was valued at the hospital, but at home their was a major disconnection between he and his wife. She knew nothing about his day-to-day events -- and Gottman says this is an important thing to know as a couple.

A love map is simple yet hard if two schedules are very different and busy. It's so important for a couple to work on their love map, even if it takes hard work.

"Successful Marriages and Families" (Chapter 3) says, "A love map is like a mental notebook where we collect personal information about our spouse that we want to remember. The notebook includes the spouse's dreams, joys, fears, likes, dislikes, frustrations, and worries. The map helps us to...know how to love him or her better."

Gottman says, "emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other's world." He talks about knowing what your spouses favorite meal is or what their favorite show is so that you can make sure to record it. These little things can add to a love map and create many emotional blessings to a couple in need of them.

One example that I thought of as sharing a love map is asking my husband how work was that day. I'm not just saying that I should ask, "How was work today, honey?" I'm talking about asking it and then looking for details. Why not ask, "So what happened at work today?" These two questions can bring very different answers and can bring very different outcomes.

If I were to just ask how work was, my husband would probably give me a vague one-word answer. This wouldn't do anything besides let me know what kind of mood he could be in. If I were to ask my husband to share the things that happened at work, I could better understand what his stresses are, what he needs help with, the things he's happy about, and overall just the things that are weighing on his mind the most. Compared to just asking how work was, asking what happened can bring many added emotional blessings to a couple.

Test your love map

 

Gottman gives an activity to do to test your love map. He has sixty questions to ask your spouse, the couple chooses 20 numbers from those and asks those questions to each other. Each question has a point or two and whoever gets the most points at the end wins! Just to give you a few sample questions:

1. Name my two closest friends.
2. What was I wearing when we first met?
3. What stresses am I facing right now?
4. Who is my favorite relative?
5. What is my favorite meal?
6. What is my favorite way to spend an evening?
7. What do I like to do most with my time off?
8. What is my favorite getaway place?
9. What would I consider my ideal job?
10. What was my most embarrassing moment?

These are just a sixth of the questions Gottman gives. I recommend just asking your spouse questions like this. Maybe make it a game to make it fun! How well do you know your spouses love map?

Emotion Coaching - Where it all Begins

Emotion coaching? You mean I have to teach my children about emotions?? "They'll figure them out on their own!" "Oh, it's just a phase, I'm just waiting for them to grow out of it." "They need to suck it up and move on." "I feel bad he's upset but there's nothing I can do!"

There are so many excuses out there. We try and try to do a new parenting discipline plan and say, "oh, well that one didn't work." Have you ever wondered why? Why are these discipline ideas failing time and time again? Well, it may not be because the discipline plan is wrong. It could just be the way it's being implemented it into your child's life. I love "How to Raise and Emotionally Intelligent Child." John Gottman has an amazing view on parenting and how it gives a really good base for discipline. His book isn't a discipline plan, but if his words are put into action, discipline will become something that becomes easier for you and your child.

John Gottman has made me rethink all the things that I do as a mom. What kind of parent am I? Gottman goes over 4 different ways a parent can act about their children's emotions:

1. Dissmisive
2. Disapproving
3. Laissez Faire
4. Emotion Coach

I've had to think about how I handle my own emotions and then I worked on recognizing my son's emotions next. Emotion coaching is something that can be done to even my 10 month-old. He gives 5 important steps to do when you're in a moment of utter confusion. When your child is sad, making a scene, and you think "oh, please just be quiet!" The key here is listening and having true empathy for your child and respecting the feelings that they feel as valid. After you've done this, if the child needs a solution to an issue, you interact with your child and allow them to think of solution with your help.

The steps are as follows:

1. Be Aware of their Emotions
2. Recognize the emotion as a chance for teaching.
3. Listening and validating child's feelings.
4. Help child label emotions.
5. Setting limits while aiding the child in problem-solving.

To really get into depth about what each step means then I would honestly say, buy the book! Read it, you'll be happy you did. The studies that they have done on emotion coaching have proven to bless a child long-term. It's not a quick fix to things, it's something that will help them throughout the rest of their lives.

As we emotion coach our children, they will learn to be empathetic through out example. In "Successful Marriages and Families," (Chapter 10) it quotes Brigham Young saying, "Parents should...lead [children] kindly by good example into all truth and holiness." Our example to our children is one of the strongest things that we can have as parents. As we emotion coach, our children will take after our example.

I'm still in the process of learning about this concept of emotion coaching, but so far, it all makes sense and I'm so excited to try and implement it into my family. For now I'll try and give my little one a bigger hug when he falls and try to really understand his baby point of view. To him, the world is a big, new, scary place!

Learning: Anytime, Anywhere, Anyplace.

This blog is a way for me to wrap my mind around and share the things that I'm learning on my course to get a Marriage and Family Studies degree. Never did I think that I would be SO happy to be where I am at with my major. When I found out I was pregnant in November 2011, joy was somewhat overcome by the realization that my degree would have to either be put on hold or I would have to find a degree that was more suitable for a mom with a baby, and after soon accepting that my undergraduate was too important to be put on hold, I started looking at other majors. I went through my interests: writing, children, computers...and then I came across the degree. Marriage and Family Studies was a new major just barely implemented into BYU-Idaho. It had options, and for me that was important. I prayed and pondered my decision for a while, and then I woke up one day and thought...I'm definitely switching today.

It wasn't until I saw an old friend in the grocery that I was told that my degree was offered online - IN FULL! Not partially online. The whole degree was available online!! I knew it right then and there. This was the degree for me. I started looking into career options and pathways, making sure my degree could be used if I needed it someday, and my heart was full when I realized it was definitely a degree that could be used for a career someday. Ideas were pouring into my mind about how I could help others through my degree and ultimately, help my family.

I take a couple classes on campus a semester (mainly because I love class discussion) and that has made me appreciate my college classes. What an opportunity I have to be taught by someone who is passionate about their course. It is a blessing. A blessing that I hope I will always enjoy. I have been told that learning should be a life-long pursuit. Not something that you say, "Thank goodness, I'm done!" Of course, that joy may feel like that once I graduate, but I also want the words to come to mind, "What's next??" Yeah, I could get my masters someday. Yes, I could take a few courses every couple years to keep my ideas fresh. But honestly, those are goals in the future.  Someday goals. Goals that I want to finish after I feel my children are ready for me to let go for a little and further my education.

So, my thoughts have been, what will I do next?

Learn. That's what I'll do. I'm going to continue to learn, and not just the sitting-in-a-desk kind of learning. I want to learn about the things that are around me. I want to learn from my children, my neighbors, my relatives. I want to learn how to garden, to organize. Yes, I know the basics of a lot of things, but I want to grow into a woman of many things. I want to help others through my education. I want to serve the people around me. Most of all, I want to learn to become more like my Savior. I want to carry virtues and talents that he would like me to have. I want to be proud of myself, in every way that I can.

We as parents need to accept that it's our duty to learn to be better parents. As we strive to learn ways to improve, our children will be in homes with more love and kindness resulting in our children being "positive, sweet, and wonderful." (Hawkins et. al, 2012)

Brigham Young went to school for 11 days of his life. 11 days - that's all it took for him to learn as much as he needed to. He then went on to become many things: a furniture maker, colonizer, and even a governor. The most significant - a prophet for the LDS church. It was Brigham Young that said,

"Put forth your ability to learn as fast as you can, and gather all the strength of mind and principle of faith you possibly can, and then distribute your knowledge to the people." 

 

Brigham Young was a great example of a continuous learner. He's made me realize that learning can be done anywhere, at any place, and in any time. Stay-at-home mom's - this can definitely be applied to you. Become a continuous learner. Become as you want to be, wherever you are.

In the last year of my on-going senior year of college, I hope that I can learn as much as I can. I am passionate about the family and what it truly means. I am passionate about marriage and children. I am so excited to learn and continue learning.

“We might ask, when shall we cease to learn? I will give you my opinion about it: never, never.” - Brigham Young -

Source: http://www.lds.org/ensign/2010/02/learning-to-love-learning?lang=eng

             Successful Marriages and Families (Chapter 11)

 

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