Emotion Coaching - Where it all Begins

Emotion coaching? You mean I have to teach my children about emotions?? "They'll figure them out on their own!" "Oh, it's just a phase, I'm just waiting for them to grow out of it." "They need to suck it up and move on." "I feel bad he's upset but there's nothing I can do!"

There are so many excuses out there. We try and try to do a new parenting discipline plan and say, "oh, well that one didn't work." Have you ever wondered why? Why are these discipline ideas failing time and time again? Well, it may not be because the discipline plan is wrong. It could just be the way it's being implemented it into your child's life. I love "How to Raise and Emotionally Intelligent Child." John Gottman has an amazing view on parenting and how it gives a really good base for discipline. His book isn't a discipline plan, but if his words are put into action, discipline will become something that becomes easier for you and your child.

John Gottman has made me rethink all the things that I do as a mom. What kind of parent am I? Gottman goes over 4 different ways a parent can act about their children's emotions:

1. Dissmisive
2. Disapproving
3. Laissez Faire
4. Emotion Coach

I've had to think about how I handle my own emotions and then I worked on recognizing my son's emotions next. Emotion coaching is something that can be done to even my 10 month-old. He gives 5 important steps to do when you're in a moment of utter confusion. When your child is sad, making a scene, and you think "oh, please just be quiet!" The key here is listening and having true empathy for your child and respecting the feelings that they feel as valid. After you've done this, if the child needs a solution to an issue, you interact with your child and allow them to think of solution with your help.

The steps are as follows:

1. Be Aware of their Emotions
2. Recognize the emotion as a chance for teaching.
3. Listening and validating child's feelings.
4. Help child label emotions.
5. Setting limits while aiding the child in problem-solving.

To really get into depth about what each step means then I would honestly say, buy the book! Read it, you'll be happy you did. The studies that they have done on emotion coaching have proven to bless a child long-term. It's not a quick fix to things, it's something that will help them throughout the rest of their lives.

As we emotion coach our children, they will learn to be empathetic through out example. In "Successful Marriages and Families," (Chapter 10) it quotes Brigham Young saying, "Parents should...lead [children] kindly by good example into all truth and holiness." Our example to our children is one of the strongest things that we can have as parents. As we emotion coach, our children will take after our example.

I'm still in the process of learning about this concept of emotion coaching, but so far, it all makes sense and I'm so excited to try and implement it into my family. For now I'll try and give my little one a bigger hug when he falls and try to really understand his baby point of view. To him, the world is a big, new, scary place!

Learning: Anytime, Anywhere, Anyplace.

This blog is a way for me to wrap my mind around and share the things that I'm learning on my course to get a Marriage and Family Studies degree. Never did I think that I would be SO happy to be where I am at with my major. When I found out I was pregnant in November 2011, joy was somewhat overcome by the realization that my degree would have to either be put on hold or I would have to find a degree that was more suitable for a mom with a baby, and after soon accepting that my undergraduate was too important to be put on hold, I started looking at other majors. I went through my interests: writing, children, computers...and then I came across the degree. Marriage and Family Studies was a new major just barely implemented into BYU-Idaho. It had options, and for me that was important. I prayed and pondered my decision for a while, and then I woke up one day and thought...I'm definitely switching today.

It wasn't until I saw an old friend in the grocery that I was told that my degree was offered online - IN FULL! Not partially online. The whole degree was available online!! I knew it right then and there. This was the degree for me. I started looking into career options and pathways, making sure my degree could be used if I needed it someday, and my heart was full when I realized it was definitely a degree that could be used for a career someday. Ideas were pouring into my mind about how I could help others through my degree and ultimately, help my family.

I take a couple classes on campus a semester (mainly because I love class discussion) and that has made me appreciate my college classes. What an opportunity I have to be taught by someone who is passionate about their course. It is a blessing. A blessing that I hope I will always enjoy. I have been told that learning should be a life-long pursuit. Not something that you say, "Thank goodness, I'm done!" Of course, that joy may feel like that once I graduate, but I also want the words to come to mind, "What's next??" Yeah, I could get my masters someday. Yes, I could take a few courses every couple years to keep my ideas fresh. But honestly, those are goals in the future.  Someday goals. Goals that I want to finish after I feel my children are ready for me to let go for a little and further my education.

So, my thoughts have been, what will I do next?

Learn. That's what I'll do. I'm going to continue to learn, and not just the sitting-in-a-desk kind of learning. I want to learn about the things that are around me. I want to learn from my children, my neighbors, my relatives. I want to learn how to garden, to organize. Yes, I know the basics of a lot of things, but I want to grow into a woman of many things. I want to help others through my education. I want to serve the people around me. Most of all, I want to learn to become more like my Savior. I want to carry virtues and talents that he would like me to have. I want to be proud of myself, in every way that I can.

We as parents need to accept that it's our duty to learn to be better parents. As we strive to learn ways to improve, our children will be in homes with more love and kindness resulting in our children being "positive, sweet, and wonderful." (Hawkins et. al, 2012)

Brigham Young went to school for 11 days of his life. 11 days - that's all it took for him to learn as much as he needed to. He then went on to become many things: a furniture maker, colonizer, and even a governor. The most significant - a prophet for the LDS church. It was Brigham Young that said,

"Put forth your ability to learn as fast as you can, and gather all the strength of mind and principle of faith you possibly can, and then distribute your knowledge to the people." 

 

Brigham Young was a great example of a continuous learner. He's made me realize that learning can be done anywhere, at any place, and in any time. Stay-at-home mom's - this can definitely be applied to you. Become a continuous learner. Become as you want to be, wherever you are.

In the last year of my on-going senior year of college, I hope that I can learn as much as I can. I am passionate about the family and what it truly means. I am passionate about marriage and children. I am so excited to learn and continue learning.

“We might ask, when shall we cease to learn? I will give you my opinion about it: never, never.” - Brigham Young -

Source: http://www.lds.org/ensign/2010/02/learning-to-love-learning?lang=eng

             Successful Marriages and Families (Chapter 11)

 

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